[This article was submitted by a guest writer. If you are interested in writing for us, please use the Contact page.]
The Ministry of Social and Family Development has announced plans to make Valentine’s Day mandatory, as part of a nationwide push to encourage baby-making. “We are very proud of this Pink Paper,” says Mr. Dick Eng, head of the newly formed Cupid Commission in charge of implementing the scheme. “This is just one great example of how a whole-of-government approach to love-making can help future-proof our economy, by raising our total fertility rates (TFR) and strengthening our demographic profile.”
Some new initiatives include a dating app designed to filter Singaporeans by intelligence and education background. Couples with higher combined points receive free lovemaking advice and even couple’s therapy. Sean Tan, a Raffles alumnus studying ‘in Boston’, says that “the advice they give is very helpful – I never realised women could orgasm too.” Couples lower on the intelligence-education scale need not fret. The government has announced special bonuses for all males with IQs below 120, free durian condoms, and an optional vasectomy service that can be subsidized with CPF money.
In line with the pink paper, all government media and broadcasts are scheduled to air erotic content, such as Finance Minister Heng Swee Keat’s Budget Speech. Businesses such as the Hotel 81 chain have also capitalized on this new initiative, partnering with the Commission to introduce free stays. Interested couples need only present their marriage certificate to be eligible. The chain has even released specially themed rooms, including The Very Small Space, a room that resembles the interior of a 3-bedroom HDB flat.
Sarah Tan, a 24-year-old student at NUS and self-proclaimed feminist praised this initiative as one way in which females can also participate in national service. “Who says that females don’t contribute to the nation? As a patriotic citizen it is my duty to have sex and make many babies.” However, not all reactions have been positive. Richard Lim, President of the Pink Dot Society, argues that the exclusion of same-sex couples from its free sex therapy program is discriminatory. “Love is love is love,” says Lim, “everyone should have access to free sex therapy.” The Church community has also responded, issuing a petition that calls for a “return to traditional values” and criticized the government for its pro-sex policy. After all, “the only love you need is love for God, and me,” says Pastor Hong Kee.
At press time, the Ministry of Defence announced it was claiming jurisdiction over the Cupid Commission as part of Total Defence Day exercises. For more information, please visit cupidcommission.org.sg.
 Terms and Conditions apply: not applicable to non-heterosexual couples, and migrant workers on work permits.