The Ministry of Defence (Mindef) has expressed shock and dismay at Singaporean footballer Ben Davis’s decision to default on his National Service (NS) obligations. Apart from Ministry employees contractually bound to echo the views of their employer, literally no other Singaporean was surprised or upset at the news.
Last June, Davis, 18, became the first Singaporean to sign a professional contract with a top-tier English club when he inked a two-year contract with EPL side Fulham. His application to defer NS was subsequently declined by Mindef, which explained, “in sports, deferments are granted only to those who are potential medal winners for Singapore in international competitions like the Olympic Games.”
Supporters of Davis pointed out that, given how terrible The Lions are, Davis could be better than Messi and still have zero chance of winning an international medal. Ministry spokesperson Lawrence Lye dismissed this notion, saying, “the only reason Messi has never won anything with Argentina is because he’s selfish. If Davis plays with patriotic fervor and team spirit, he should be able to raise his teammates’ game.”
At the time, Lye argued Mindef was in fact enhancing Davis’s footballing potential by forcing him to complete NS. “My encik always told me that to ambush the enemy, we must take an unexpected route. Look at Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final – everyone thought he’d help Portugal win by scoring goals, but he coached them to victory instead. Those are the sort of leadership skills you learn in the Army. Football is a team game, and there’s no better way to learn teamwork than trying to align your platoon’s basha tents. By the time Davis is done carrying that fieldpack around, his calves will be bigger than Kante’s!”
When contacted for comment following the latest news, Lye confessed himself bemused. “Why would he do this? All we’re asking him to do is what we ask every other Singaporean son to do – give up on his hopes and dreams for two years of dangerous work, low pay, and less respect. Is playing in the EPL really that great? Sure, you can have eighty-thousand fans chanting your name, but has he ever had the cookhouse aunty call him shuaige?”
In response to legitimate enquiries, Mindef stated that “Mr Davis has committed offences under the Enlistment Act, and is liable upon conviction to a fine of up to S$10,000 and/or imprisonment of up to three years,” thereby confirming its commitment to destroying what hope there is for Singapore’s football scene by effectively banning its best export from the country. At press time, Lye was found commenting on Hardwarezone under the username Ronaldo4Ly(f)e that “Ben will NEVER get to play in the EPL because FULHAM will get RELEGATED anyway ahahahaha.”