Samuel Leong, 21, has declared that his search for a lifelong mate is over after Jane (not her real name) accepted his connection request on LinkedIn. Leong, who is currently studying at Yale University on a government scholarship, said he felt an instant affinity when he read through the Education section of her profile.
“She ticked every box. Went to Nanyang Primary School, Raffles Girls School, Raffles Institution, and then Oxford University. Well, not every box – it would have been better if she’d done the Humanities Programme, but love is a commitment, right? At least she did Student Council.”
Leong said he turned to LinkedIn after being frustrated by traditional dating apps. “You never get anywhere with those things,” he complained. “Tinder is the definition of quantity over quality; Bumble is basically white people, and that’s not my target market; Coffee Meets Bagel is all working professionals, and bagels are a dumb food; and although The League claims to be exclusive, c’mon, tons of idiots get into Ivy League Schools. Only LinkedIn lets me do a deep dive into someone’s educational history and professional interests.” He paused, before adding, “Actually, Hinge is pretty good. But that’s it.”
When asked whether he was worried that LinkedIn offered no information on emotional or physical compatibility, Leong was dismissive. “That’s such an American way of thinking. Relationships aren’t about passion or emotional connection or all that nonsense. They’re about finding someone whose future life path matches yours so they can appropriately support you as you achieve your career goals and objectives.”
“That,” he continued, “is why Jane is so great. She’s studying Economics and Management and interned at JPMorgan in Singapore, meaning she’ll probably be making bank in the CBD. That means I can be a humble civil servant while still leading a luxurious finance lifestyle. Plus, she’s an active member in the Oxford Union, meaning she’s familiar with political and social issues, but isn’t one of those crazy woke social justice types. In thirty years, she’ll be running some division at OCBC, and I’ll be running LTA or something. It’s perfect – man, LinkedIn is such a godsend. Dating is so hard when you’re on the very right tail of the IQ distribution and need to find someone who matches your intellect.”
When our interview ended, Leong said he was going to slide into her LinkedIn DMs and ask if she was interested in a long-term transatlantic collaborative project. Later, Leong contacted us to reveal a minor setback. “Well,” he admitted, “it would be great if LinkedIn included a ‘Sexuality’ section. But I’m very progressive. I’m sure we can work around that.”