The Guinness Book of World Records has officially announced its latest world record: the highest number of simultaneous eye rolls in response to the same event, incident, or social phenomenon. Singaporeans from one walk of life (i.e. those who attended non-ACS ‘elite’ schools) claimed the honour after literally every single one of them rolled their eyes in response to ACS alumni changing their Facebook profile pictures to commemorate the school’s Founder’s Day.
Lucy Wang, a spokesperson for Guinness, said the result was no surprise. “Singaporeans are traditionally very good at mass, coordinated eye-rolls,” she explained. “In fact, there was almost a record last month, when officials said the Budget had nothing to do with a new general election.”
While she was unwilling to speculate on the sociological reasons for why Singaporeans were predisposed to eye-rolling, Wang said the success of this record attempt had much to do with technical factors. “To verify a record, we need to capture and validate each individual eye-roll. That’s very difficult, but conditions were ideal this time: everyone was looking at Facebook on their laptops or phones when they rolled their eyes, meaning we could capture the action using front-facing cameras. Plus, Singapore’s happy to sacrifice privacy to be a global leader, so we didn’t have to deal with any pesky data protection laws.”
Record-setting participants said that no explicit coordination went into the attempt. “We didn’t have to agree on a time to roll our eyes,” said Goh Chia Hong, an NUS High alumnus. “Once you see that profile banner, and all those ACS boys who peaked in secondary school reliving their glory days with their ‘bros’, it’s basically impossible to not roll your eyes. It’s just an immutable fact of brain chemistry – I should know, since I’m a medical student.”
Some ACS alumni, however, stood their ground. “Everyone else is just jealous. And who can blame them? They don’t know what school pride is,” said William Yeow, a student at Yale-NUS. “I feel nothing but pity for people who don’t realize that if you really love your alma mater, you have to write a status and post pictures about it every year. And why wouldn’t I feel pity? I mean, I went to ACS, and they didn’t. They’re just unlucky.”
Despite attempts to end the interview, Yeow pressed on. “Once an ACSian, always an ACSian. Even today, when people ask me what school I’m from, I tell them ACS(I). Yale-NUS? Bah. I’m ACS, ACS forever.” When asked whether his reluctance to associate with Yale-NUS had to do with the fact that it shattered his self-image as an elite scholar, officer, and gentleman, Yeow declined to answer, saying only that “all accusations against me are unfounded, and I conduct my business to the standards expected of an ACSian.”
At press time, Guinness announced that Singaporeans had again set a new record, this time in response to Mahathir’s claims that cheap Malaysian water was responsible for Singapore’s development. ACS alumni were unruffled. “We’ll get the record again,” said an alumni spokesman. “After all, The Best Is Yet To Be.”
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